Tell the pain where to go

So I have had a few people tell me that I am positive and ask if I ever get down and to that I have to say, I am not always positive I have plenty of moments where I lack faith and a positive attitude. When I first hurt my shoulder I thought no big deal a few weeks and it will be all better, then a few weeks became surgery, but ok I will get through this and I will be back to normal. When my Surgeon told me that the surgery was not a good as we had hoped and that if I were really careful I might get ten years before I would need to have my shoulder replaced. To this I responded you can do that? I had never heard of a shoulder replacement, that was crazy, but ok ten years that's not bad maybe I will be a lucky one and get fifteen to twenty years before I have to do that. Well as you know it was only 18mo and I had lost most of the use and was back to see the surgeon. That day Sucked and I am pretty sure I cried all the way home from Kirkland, two month later that Surgeon told me that my case as a very difficult one and that I needed to talk to another surgeon who does replacements on younger patients, but the kicker of that appointment was when he told me that He was not sure that any surgeon would be able to replace it and I might be facing a total fusion of the shoulder. I know I cried all the way home that day. The day I met with the Surgical team at the U, I felt scared and encourage and really overwhelmed by the decisions that i was about to make for my future, I again drove home in tears but this time I did feel like there was hope. I went through a very painful and difficult partial replacement of the shoulder in the attempt to save my internal socket, I fought through the pain of recovery without pain meds I fought through the continued pain and the limited strength and at 10mo I again Sat in the office this time again with a whole team and my surgeon told me that the joint was not holding and that I was going to need to revise the shoulder to a total shoulder. That day my tears did not make it to the car, they came hard and fast and I sat there with the Best Surgeon and physical therapist holding my hand and wiping my tears. They told me that I was strong and they knew I could get through it. The Tears lasted most of the day and I found myself in bed crying asking why. Eleven Months and nine days after my partial replacement I entered the Operating room to have a complex revision, you would think that would be enough but instead my body decided to freak out and I spent the next 36 hours in serious condition with charge nurses, Ortho surgeon and and again the best Physical therapist who sat and rubbed my back wiped my face and bushed my hair telling me it would be ok. Again there was many tears and prayers. I have spent 9 days in the hospital in less that a year and in the last two years I have made over thirty trip to Seattle to see Dr's. I now have three specialist and have had more X Rays and Scans and blood work than I have ever had in my life. I have asked why more time than I can count. I wish I were stronger but I am human. So as I told my friend, It helps to yell at the pulley and cry through the stretching, and I tell the medicine that I have to take to block the adrenaline, that I hate it!!!! I hate it because I know it is going to drain my energy and cause me to feel blah. But I then take it. because I know I have to. We all have choices to make in life. we can choose to wallow or we can get up face our struggle and push through it. My parents taught me when I was young to find my strength in the Lord and that faith will get me through no matter what. So messed up shoulder, adrenal malfunction and lung growth take it and shove it!!!!!I will find the strength in the Lord to fight through this also I am stronger than this.